


A Hard Way to Live, A Rare Way to Die

by neversaydie



Series: cock it and pull it [4]
Category: King Falls AM (Podcast)
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, Closeted Character, College, Coming Out, First Kiss, M/M, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-22
Updated: 2018-02-22
Packaged: 2019-03-22 16:15:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,198
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13767801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neversaydie/pseuds/neversaydie
Summary: The first time Sammy has a panic attack, he's fourteen."You can be whatever you want to be, honey," his mom says, when he finally spits out his secret after months of nightmares and hiding and feeling like people are going to be able to tell he's a freak just by looking at him.He's already considered a weirdo in his small town, a kid who's always been quieter and not as boisterous as he should be, and that reputation has followed him to his new high school - where he's already been called a faggot twice within his first week. Actually being queer is the last thing he needs."It's just a hard way to live," his mom sighs, already long-suffering from her child who just can't seem to fit in. "I don't want your life to be harder than it has to be."





	A Hard Way to Live, A Rare Way to Die

**** The first time Sammy has a panic attack, he's fourteen.   
  
"You can be whatever you want to be, honey," his mom says, when he finally spits out his secret after months of nightmares and hiding and feeling like people are going to be able to tell he's a freak just by looking at him. 

He's already considered a weirdo in his small town, a kid who's always been quieter and not as boisterous as he should be, and that reputation has followed him to his new high school - where he's already been called a faggot twice within his first week. Actually being queer is the last thing he needs. 

"It's just a hard way to live," his mom sighs, already long-suffering from her child who just can't seem to fit in. "I don't want your life to be harder than it has to be."   
  
He can't breathe after she leaves his bedroom, buries himself under the covers and curls around the pain in his chest until he wonders if he might die from it. If that might not be a bad thing.   
  
His mom never mentions dating - anyone - ever again. He takes a girl to prom, a few years later, and it seems like the phase has passed. Mom starts asking about girls again once he leaves for college, content in the knowledge that her baby's life won't be harder than if he were normal.   
  
By the time he meets Jack, Sammy has been having panic attacks for almost a decade.    
  
As Sammy's best friend (for the time being), Jack quickly figures out that what he pictures a panic attack looking like is... not always what a panic attack looks like. He comes to recognise the times Sammy gets overstimulated, hypersensitive to noise or disarray or there being too many people around, until his irritability reaches a peak and he lashes out. Or the times he starts talking too fast, stumbling over his words and getting tongue tied trying to correct himself until Jack cuts to commercial and makes him go outside to cool off. It's not like many people listen to the college radio station during the graveyard shift (and even the ones who do only call in to criticise his beloved supernatural segment, which he's getting a credit for so fuck them) but he knows Sammy's a very private person and wouldn't want his low moments broadcast over the airwaves, even if there's nobody listening.   
  
The college health centre isn't much help, when Jack and Lily finally persuade Sammy to talk to someone. They don't know what actually gets said - despite the fact Jack went with Sammy and sat in the waiting room because they weren't convinced he'd actually go otherwise - but the third member of their little trio emerges with a handful of pamphlets about stress and very little in the way of actual advice. He doesn't go back.   
  
Even if he's reluctant to address it with a professional, Sammy's not stupid about managing his anxiety (and whether he's diagnosed with it or not, Jack and Lily aren't in any doubt that it's a legitimate thing since they're all glued at the hip). The guy has actually worked out the things that bother him and tries to mitigate them - in a stunning display of self-awareness Jack wouldn't have expected from someone who seems so repressed he's never even been on a date. 

Surprisingly, Sammy's not afraid to ask if they can turn the studio lights down, or let Jack take over with a guest for a few minutes if he's zoning out... well, he's not afraid to ask  _ Jack _ to help him handle things. Other producers, his teachers, and even their wider circle of friends are a different story - hell, even with Lily he's more than likely to get stuck in his _ I can do it all by myself _ bullshit rather than ask for help. That seems more like a fundamental part of his personality than a weakness though - if nothing else, the guy has always been stubborn as hell.  
  
By the time they graduate (by the time Sammy and Jack drunkenly make out in someone's bedroom at a house party, an attempt to shotgun weed smoke quickly turning into something they swear to never talk about again), Sammy's attacks have faded into the background of their lives and he's managing them well enough that they barely come up at all. 

It's a rare calm moment in their lives, not that they realise that at the time.

Straight out of college, Jack takes a production internship at a large station, Lily manages to land a newsroom job on the other side of the city, and Sammy gets his foot on the ladder on local radio (sure it's only traffic and weather, but everyone has to start somewhere). Jack and Sammy end up working in the same building, three floors apart, and mutual hurried coffees and catch-ups turn into shared lunch breaks and after-work drinks when their schedules align, and then...   
  
And then one day, before Jack knows what he's doing, he kisses Sammy goodnight. 

Sammy freezes, standing on the steps to his building (it's on the way to Jack and Lily's when they head back from the bar, it's not like he was walking him home after a date, it wasn't, he swears it wasn't), and doesn't push Jack away. 

He doesn't kiss him back, either. 

Jack backs up hurriedly when he realises what he's done, one hand coming up reflexively to touch his damp mouth. Sammy looks gobsmacked and Jack… Jack realises he actually does want to kiss his straight best friend again. And has probably just blown any chance he had - as if he ever did. 

"Shit, Sammy, I…" it's dark outside by now, and the streetlight is too dim for him to read Sammy's face properly. Jack knows he's not about to get punched or anything - it's not like he's ever been subtle about being queer, hell, Sammy's met his exes - but he can't tell if his  _ fucking straight  _ friend is freaking out or plain disgusted. 

Or… neither. 

"It's okay," Sammy's voice is a little strained, sure, but there's no trace of the panic Jack had expected. He's seen Sammy freak the fuck out about some girl at a party putting the moves on him before, how can he…

Oh. Jack is a fucking idiot. 

"So, uh…" he bites his lip and shoves his hands in his pockets to keep them reaching for Sammy, who is miraculously still standing in front of him (and, equally miraculously, possibly not straight). He doesn't want to push it, not when he's already crossed a line he can't uncross. Not when Sammy is somehow not freaking out about this.

_ I should be panicking  _ \- Sammy thinks to himself as his brain turns to solid static -  _ why aren't I panicking? _

"So…" Sammy swallows hard and even in the shadows Jack can see the cogs in his head turning. He's always been a little hard to read, kept part of himself locked down and private - was this why? His next words are tentative, but steady. "Come inside?"

Swallowing the grin that wants to break out, Jack follows him inside.


End file.
